Day by Day: The life of a hellion
by Virtual Weasel
Summary: A look into Jean's head... (My first fic, but formatted differently.)
1. March 30th

Disclaimer: None of this is mine, it all belongs to numerous and assorted other people. Not me. Just for clarity, I'll repeat: Not mine, not mine, not mine.....  
  
*****  
  
March 30, 2002  
  
Marie gave me this diary at Christmas and I hadn't written in it yet before tonight. I feel as if I need someone or something to talk to. I know I could talk to Charles, but somehow I think the things I need to say should be mine alone. Marie understands that too, I suppose. It seems odd that I call her Marie. Everyone else calls her Rogue. Though I call her Rogue in public, I think of her as Marie. Logan calls her Marie. I miss Logan. He's the first man in a long time that has flirted with me, or showed any interest in me. Because of my status as spokeswoman for the mutant cause kind of quells any male attention from the outside world and as for here at the Mansion? Well, Scott and I are together, I suppose. We sleep together, but I don't love him like I once did. I think he takes me for granted. A mission. I will talk to you later.  
  
Jean 


	2. April 1st

April 1, 2002  
  
I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you. An old friend came to the school and I spent some time catching up with him. Hank McCoy has to be the gentlest, most empathetic man I have ever met. We do not talk nearly often enough, and we have a lot to talk about. Hank is researching mutations as I do, although he has much more time for it than I do.  
  
Dinner was wonderful. Hank came over to where I was, sitting alone, and asked if I would join him. I said yes and when we sat down at the little table in the corner I saw Scott sitting at a table with some of the boys, probably talking about schoolwork. It was pleasant to be with Hank again. It seems that Hank is going to stay at the Mansion for a while. "With the increasingly hostile attitude towards Mutants, I have found it harder and harder to maintain the safety of my Lab. Charles said that I can stay as long as I want. He said you and I could share the Lab. If you don't mind, Jean, of course." I smiled and told him it was quite all right. I really am looking forward to working with him again.  
  
With Hank staying here, I might even be able to finish some of my earlier experiments regarding what makes a mutation, and if there is any to way to manipulate the genes to change the mutation. Hank is interested in ways to control the mutation that is already present, such as creating a psychological "on-off" switch in the mind, so that Marie for instance, could turn her mutation on and off at will. Wouldn't she love that! I feel very protective of her lately. I wonder if she would let Hank work with her...  
  
Hank and I work very well together. If I open a telepathic channel, we don't have to talk at all. I don't really like talking when I'm working. Unfortunately, Hank doesn't like telepathy. Never did, really. I find it amazing that we are such good friends when he dislikes my power so much. Hank is such a good friend to me. He picked up on my unhappiness right away. He asked if I felt all right and I had to tell him yes. I mean, how could I tell him that I had begun to feel held back by Charles and Scott or that I had felt my powers expanding for the first time in a long time? Oh, a knock at the door. I'd better answer it.  
  
***  
  
It was Hank. "Jean, something is wrong. May I come in?" "Of course, Hank. Come in and sit down. Is it one of the students? Is it Kurt?" He sat down and sighed. "No Jean, it is you. You seem so quiet these days. And even my letters from you aren't the discovery filled cheer that you used to send me. I miss you, Jean. What happened?"  
  
She walked around the room, wringing her hands. "I don't know Hank. I just don't know. My powers have."  
  
When Hank heard the words, "my powers" he leaned forward in his seat and his brow furrowed. "Jean, if your powers have been changing why didn't you do anything? Why didn't you talk to the Professor, or Scott?"  
  
She turned to face him. "Because none of them would understand! That is unreasonable, maybe, but I don't think it would get the best reception from them. They all like having Little Jean Grey stay at home because she isn't powerful enough to make a difference. Besides, someone needs to patch them all up when they get home!"  
  
Hank shook his head. "Jean, how can you say that? You know how much they love you. You're exaggerating, my dear." He smiled. "Now, come with the nice doctor. We are going to the Lab so I can try to map this expansion. Because I sincerely doubt that you've been doing it by yourself." She sighed. It had been inevitable after all. She looked longingly at her diary. Well, maybe later.  
  
*** 11:30 That took long enough. I wonder if I take that long to chart people. Anyway, Hank was very puzzled by what he found. Hank's analysis shows that my mutation hasn't been changing. My body has been changing. He talked to me about it and it seems that I have logged a great deal of time in the Danger Room lately. I guess I don't want to feel so useless anymore. I feel like deadweight on the Team. There is a very real reason why I don't go on as many missions. I'm not as powerful. I mean, come on. Scott blasts things with his eyes, Ororo controls the weather and I? I move things with my mind. Very badly, I might add. So, who wants that kind of person on the Team? Even Marie would be more useful than Little Jean Grey. That is how I think of myself. Little Jean Grey. Isn't it sad? I just went way off topic. Back to what Hank found.  
  
He found that my mutation has been affected by the changes in my body. My muscles get stronger, and my telepathic abilities increase. I get more agile, my telekinetic range widens. It all has to do with control, we believe. This could be very important to Hank's control research. If the changes in your body affect your mutation the possibilities could be endless. I guess I didn't notice but lately my clothes fit looser. I lost some weight recently, I guess. Hank was very excited. "The possibilities are astounding! Of course, it may only be the nature of your mutation but at least we now have positive proof that changes in one's body affect one's mutation!"  
  
I had to smile. "Hank. Look at yourself." I say. "Well, yes but that is just.well.me." I laughed. "Hank, if you put on a ounce of muscle then your strength goes up by about two pounds! You can't say with a straight face that changes in your body don't affect your mutation." He shook his head. "But Jean, that is my mutation. That and the fur." I nodded. "I know that. But the proof is there, regardless of the mutation." "True."  
  
I love working with Hank. He always knows when to push the point and when to back off. Well, not back off. Just stop talking. The evidence speaks for itself. Talk too much and you take credibility away from the evidence and yourself. I think Hank lives by that saying. That and, "Make love not war." Not literally but with a codename like "Beast" one would expect him to be some kind of a great fighter, right? But Hank refuses to even go on a mission. If he joined the X-Men I would probably be able to go on more missions, with Hank waiting behind with Charles. And with the newfound strengths in my powers they might even want me to come.  
  
Well, Scott will never want me to come. He tries to protect me too much. But Logan would trust me to do the job assigned to me. Where did that come from? I should go to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow and I probably won't get a chance to write in here. I really love this diary. It feels good not to have to mouth off just to be heard. Marie actually asked me if I liked it today. I told I adored it and thank you. She seemed very pleased. She blushed and said it was nothing. I am going to use this as a kind of scrapbook as well.  
  
Oh, someone is at the door. You know what? I think I might turn Logan's old room into a kind of study for myself. You know, move my laptop and my papers. Scott doesn't mind them but I want some space for myself know. And if Hank and I are going to start working on this control issue together then we really need our own space. I'll move it tomorrow. Now I'm going to shower and go to bed. Goodnight. 


	3. April 4th

April 4, 2002  
  
My God, you need a signed permit to breathe around here! I've been arguing with everyone in the entire mansion about moving to Logan's old room. Funny how he only slept there one or two nights and now it is "Logan's Room". Anyhow, Scott practically wouldn't let me start moving my things, even after Charles told me that the move was perfectly all right with him. Scott almost got violent with Ororo when she started helping me, I felt like going into his mind and figuring out what was wrong with me wanting a space for myself. It isn't even just me. Hank and I plan to share the space. Which, on second thought, might be what Scott is so worried about. I can't figure out what Scott's problem is, though. It isn't as if I'm going to worship everything Logan about the room, I'm just moving my papers and my laptop in. He's overreacting! 


	4. April 5th

April 5, 2002  
  
Sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday. I had a huge fight with Scott. The fight culminated in him saying, "Well, I thought you were above the Logan nonsense but I guess I thought wrong." I was so angry I wanted to claw his eyes out. Ha, a Logan response. Wonderful! But, in the end all I did was say, "That really hurt me, Scott." And then I very calmly packed an overnight bag and I spent last night in Logan's room. That's where I am now, sitting at the window, watching the rain streak the glass. I'm very dejected. Hank is down in the lab devising ways to mask Kurt's fur. I hope he finds one. Kurt deserves the chance to live in the real world that we couldn't give Hank. When I want to recount conversations I'll do it in script format to make it easier on my poor fingers. A few nights ago Marie came into my room, looking very upset.  
  
Marie: Dr. Grey, can I come in?  
  
Me: Of course Rogue, what's wrong?  
  
Marie: The girls in my room. And you can call me Marie if you want.  
  
Me: Marie, what happened, what's wrong?  
  
Marie: They were.were.trying on bathing suits!  
  
I got a little confused for a second. What was wrong with bathing suits.oh. Smart one Jean, her mutation.  
  
Me: I see.  
  
Marie: And summer clothes. You know, short shorts and skimpy little tank tops and bikinis and stuff like that and there I was, sitting on the bed wearing these stupid gloves and the scarf and this cloth armor and they're prancing around asking me how it looks!  
  
Me: I'm sure they didn't do it on purpose. I think it is a sign of how well they've accepted you and your mutation. Not a very sensitive sign, but still.  
  
Marie: I dunno, Doc. I mean, what am I gonna wear in the summer?  
  
Me: I'm sure Miss Munroe and I will think of something.  
  
Marie: I wanna look at least somewhat normal. I mean, I don't need to be naked but I want how I look to look.quirky instead of strange.  
  
Me: You know, Marie, the more skin that's showing will increase the dangers. And increase your own discomfort.  
  
Marie: Look, if I can't control the stupid thing I can at least learn to deal with it. And maybe a good way of doing it is to wear less clothing!  
  
Me: I'm not arguing with you, Marie. But I am going to tell you that the safety of all the children here is my responsibility and that I might have to restrict what you wear.  
  
Marie: I know. I just don't want to look like a total prude.  
  
Me: I'll talk to Ororo about it and we'll think of something to satisfy everyone, alright?  
  
Marie: Thanks, Doc.  
  
And then she did something that surprised me. She gave me a very small hug. I was still at arms length but she gave my shoulders a little squeeze and then left. It surprised me a lot and I decided that I was going to talk to Ororo 


	5. April 6th

April 6th  
  
I just got back from talking to Ororo. She and I were talking about a summer wardrobe. For Marie, that is. We decided that she could wear shorts with pantyhose underneath. I think that for on top we can have some sheer shirts to go on under spaghetti strap tops and t-shirts. For bathing suits, we discussed that too. Some tight sheer pants that have elastic at the bottom and tight sheer shirts to go over a bathing suit. That seems to be the best idea. I'm so tired lately. Hank has me working out in the gym to fiddle with my powers. They've stopped expanding at roughly five times the strength they were before. This makes me the most powerful telekinetic that we've ever documented. It is an interesting feeling, knowing that you are something but not being able to feel any change. I still haven't told Charles, though. I'm afraid to tell him, afraid that he'll be disappointed that I didn't trust him before. 


	6. April 7th

April 7th  
  
I took a walk with Charles today. He was being very quiet and I asked him why.  
  
Me: You're so quiet today, Charles.  
  
Charles: I've been thinking about my children. Me: Are you worried about Hank moving in? Is everything alright? Charles: It isn't Hank I'm concerned about. He is fitting into the Mansion very well, aside from some of the younger children following him. It is more my older children who have me worried.  
  
Me: Did Marie tell you about her summer clothing? She was very excited when I told her she could wear shorts again.  
  
Charles: Dear Jean, when will you grow out of your need to try and distract everyone else from you? It is not Marie, or Hank, or even Logan who worries me today. It is you, my oldest daughter.  
  
Me: Me? Why am I worrying you?  
  
Charles: Because you deny who you truly are. The hellion who used her mind to throw a paperweight at my head the first time I met her is quite different from the quiet woman walking beside me now. I sometimes worry that the hellion has gone for good.  
  
Me: I don't know what to say, Charles. I always thought you were happy with who I've become.  
  
Charles: You are a very cautious young woman. You think before you speak, you measure each move in your life as carefully as if you were playing chess, you are calm, collected, and considerate. You are a wonderful teacher and the students love you. But I wonder if you are truly happy with your life.  
  
Me: I'm very happy here, Charles. I love the children and the school. I love you.  
  
Charles: As I love you. But what of living? I met you when you were scared, cornered by sensations and thoughts that you'd never felt before. You were violent, abrasive, and thoroughly unmanageable. Very different, indeed, from the woman who does not raise her voice in a fight when her lover is being insulting.  
  
Me: You heard that?  
  
Charles: I'm surprised the whole mansion didn't hear it. He was being rather loud. Marie practically ran upstairs and slugged him for insulting Logan and yourself.  
  
Me: "Slugged him"? I've never heard you say that before.  
  
Charles: It's been a long time since I've had to. But the sentiment is clear. Marie, a girl of 16 years, was ready to fight for you. Why weren't you ready to fight for yourself?  
  
Me: I fight all the time, Charles. Once in a while it's nice to rest.  
  
Charles: I understand. In fact, I feel remarkably the same way.  
  
Me: I used to feel so safe and secure with Scott, as if he could protect me against anything, including himself. But now? I'm not so sure.  
  
Charles: Then perhaps it is time for a change of room?  
  
At that I grinned and the hellion in me jumped up. Yes! It shrieked. Yes, yes, yes! We'll show him! "Thank you, Charles. I'll see what I can do." We finished our walk in companionable silence, me pondering what I told him, and he pondering what I didn't tell him. 


End file.
